Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
