Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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