perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i wish my penis had a tongue
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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