I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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