mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
