if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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