Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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