so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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