Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
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The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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