Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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