Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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