Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
