I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
