On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
