We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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