I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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