So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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