I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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