Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
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We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
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Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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