Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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