I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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