a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
