I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
