pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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