Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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