I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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