she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
