He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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