If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
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Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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