I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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