If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
