his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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