I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
