Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
