life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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