It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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