drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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