It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
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I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
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I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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