Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
one two three fourrrrnication!
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
