vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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