the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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