dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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