I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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