Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
