i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
