Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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