i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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