apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
