trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
