my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
