why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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