And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
i now understand why vodka
We are all done wearing pants today
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
