drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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