Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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